Self

This post has been sitting in my drafts for ten months. Not much has changed.

I’ve been told that when you go through trauma, you should not make any life decisions. You should hold off on getting married, or quitting your job, or starting something that’s completely new.  Don’t make any important life decisions when you’ve experienced a traumatic event. Give yourself time to heal, we are told.

And the only experience I ever had with actual trauma was when we went through the Reno Air Races crash in 2011 and we availed ourselves of grief counseling where we were told we should be careful. We should be careful… not to drink too much, for instance, and to not make any important life decisions at that time.

It made sense. When someone is traumatized, they feel helpless and will grasp at anything that will help them feel some sense of control again.

So, it’s been a little over a month since the election and I kept thinking that, at some point, the trauma would ease. That the panic and grief I felt that night would would abate. And although I don’t cry every single day any more, it still happens on a regular enough basis that I know I am not past this.  And I don’t think that I ever will be.

So where does that leave me? What do I do in my life?

I have a very good job. I am paid well. I am surrounded by good people and my supervisors respect and trust me. But I am so very, very restless right now and feel like I don’t offer enough to the world in that position, and that I should be doing something so much more meaningful than making travel arrangements, filing expense reports, scheduling meetings and the like.

I can’t find any satisfaction in it right now. And I used to. I used to find satisfaction in the job that I did well and allowed me enough money to pay my bills, be helpful to my family, pay for my toys, and support causes I believed in. Because all was pretty nice, pretty good in my world, but now I just find myself stuck.

And I don’t know when that’s going to change.