Life, Self

It’s gotta go

My uterus, I mean.

Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia

Many women who have symptoms of endometrial cancer (vaginal bleeding after menopause or abnormal menstrual bleeding) may have a biopsy that shows precancerous changes of the endometrium, called complex hyperplasia with atypia. Risk is high that 25 to 50 percent of these women will go on to develop endometrial cancer.

To reduce the risk, doctors usually advise women with this condition to have a hysterectomy (surgery to remove the uterus) if they are past childbearing years or do not intend to become pregnant. Many gynecologists refer these women to a gynecologic oncologist for their surgery because of the chance of finding true cancer at the time of the hysterectomy.

Hopefully this will be done before the end of the year and that the final pathology report doesn’t indicate cancer. My biopsy report left that window open, and I don’t think it can be ruled out until they can take a good look at everything.

Life, Self

On Hold

Something’s wrong. What, exactly, is not yet known. We’re supposed to find out tomorrow. Or sometime this week. Maybe it’s nothing. Maybe it’s something. If it’s something, it may be bad. If it’s bad, just how bad?

Self

This post has been sitting in my drafts for ten months. Not much has changed.

I’ve been told that when you go through trauma, you should not make any life decisions. You should hold off on getting married, or quitting your job, or starting something that’s completely new.  Don’t make any important life decisions when you’ve experienced a traumatic event. Give yourself time to heal, we are told.

And the only experience I ever had with actual trauma was when we went through the Reno Air Races crash in 2011 and we availed ourselves of grief counseling where we were told we should be careful. We should be careful… not to drink too much, for instance, and to not make any important life decisions at that time.

It made sense. When someone is traumatized, they feel helpless and will grasp at anything that will help them feel some sense of control again.

So, it’s been a little over a month since the election and I kept thinking that, at some point, the trauma would ease. That the panic and grief I felt that night would would abate. And although I don’t cry every single day any more, it still happens on a regular enough basis that I know I am not past this.  And I don’t think that I ever will be.

So where does that leave me? What do I do in my life?

I have a very good job. I am paid well. I am surrounded by good people and my supervisors respect and trust me. But I am so very, very restless right now and feel like I don’t offer enough to the world in that position, and that I should be doing something so much more meaningful than making travel arrangements, filing expense reports, scheduling meetings and the like.

I can’t find any satisfaction in it right now. And I used to. I used to find satisfaction in the job that I did well and allowed me enough money to pay my bills, be helpful to my family, pay for my toys, and support causes I believed in. Because all was pretty nice, pretty good in my world, but now I just find myself stuck.

And I don’t know when that’s going to change.